The World Cup's Ultimate Team of Douchelords

Football would only be half as much fun if all footballers were as boring as Germany's Arne Friedrich. Thankfully, there's no shortage of "characters" in the international game. Below I have tried to come up with the finest collection of wannabes, real villains, and kings of ridiculousness. Obviously, I could have just taken the whole French team, but that would have been to easy. Instead, I was looking for funny faces of self-importance, brutal fouls, and off-the-pitch antics.

Tim Wiese (GK, Germany/Werder Bremen)

http://mediadb.kicker.de/2007/fussball/spieler/l/25381.jpg
Germany's no. 2 (or 3, who knows) is a pretty good goalie. He's also very tanned and overall downright ridiculous. A Guido if there ever was one outside of New Jersey. He once gave an interview with his head sticking out the shower (in his parents' bathroom no less).

Pepe (DF, Portugal/Real Madrid)
There's "losing it." And there's Pepe.

John Terry (DF, England/Chelsea)

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/06/20/article-1194446-0567C078000005DC-674_468x321.jpg
Ladies and Gentleman, John Terry, "Daddy of the Year 2009." The perfect role model lost some of his ketchup-sponsored reputation after his an affair with Wayne Bridge's ex became a global news story earlier this year.

Ashley Cole (DF, England, Chelsea)

http://tyduffy.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/14colejpg.jpeg
Cole felt his life had been interesting enough to warrant a biography when he was 25 years old. However, his life so far has only comprised injuries and (allegations) of extramarital affairs.

Mark van Bommel (MF, Netherlands/Bayern Munich)
He's a real bitch on (and off) the pitch.



Bastian Schweinsteiger (MF, Germany/Bayern Munich)

http://www.n24.de/media/_fotos/4sport/2008_3/juni_9/080625_2/doppler/schweinsteiger_dpa_gr.jpg
Despite all the talk about him having matured from careless teenager "Schweini" (I think he once got  nookie in Bayern's pool) to a "proper" player taking on more responsibility, he's still a major douche.

Kevin Prince Boateng (MF, Ghana/Portsmouth)
Wow, so much to choose from with him. He fouled Ballack out of the World Cup. He fancies him a true "Berlin Ghetto Homeboy." And boy, can he kick high.


Frank Ribéry (MF, France, Bayern Munich)

http://ngerumpi.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/franck-ribery.jpg
He's ugly. He's a diva. And he's also into underage prostitutes (apparently, a true gentleman, though).

Robin van Persie (FW, Netherlands/Arsenal)

http://www.automotive-access.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/robin-van-persie-caricature-on-arsenal-citroen-c4.jpg
Yes, his name was officially cleared from rape allegations in 2006. But he's still the quintessential d-bag par excellence.

Wayne Rooney (FW, England/Manchester United)

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00517/Wayne_Rooney_517489a.jpg
Again, so much stuff to choose from. I'm not sure if he's really (or 100%) human. When he was 18 he made use of the services of a "48-year-old grandmother, known as the Auld Slapper, who wore a rubber cat suit when they had sex."

Cristiano Ronaldo (FW, Portugal, Real Madrid)

http://www.topfatlosstrainer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/15/cristiano-ronaldo-body-workout-for-serious-sex-appeal/Cristiano-Ronaldo-Pics.jpeg
The captain of the douchelord team. In terms of ridiculousness he stands alone.

COACH: Diego Armando Maradona (Argentina)

http://www.bandin.info/uploaded_images/maradona-en-cuba.jpg
There can only be one coach for this team. Diego has it all: mob connections, best buddy with Fidel Castro, cocaine addiction, shooting at journalists, etc.

Europe's In Trouble (But not Dead)

France can probably not be saved (from herself). A self-destruction of historical proportions is happening right in front of a world public that can barely disguise its schadenfreude. While I do believe that they will convert all their anger and frustration into a hammering of South Africa I also believe that the Uruguay v Mexico game will somehow end in a draw after a hard-fought match in which both teams desperately played for the win.

Sometimes stats really sum it up best: until now, England, Spain, Germany, Italy and France have won only one of their nine games (this would obviously sound less impressive if one was to include the two Dutch wins). In particular, England, France, and Italy also looked absolutely terrible over the course of their first two games.

Yet, this should not lead to the hasty conclusion of some form of European decline (surely some clever neoliberal scribe is already making comparisons to the European debt crisis -- it'd be kinda funny if Greece were to go through then, though). In fact, I have a strong feeling that all the Euro giants of the game (other than France) will make it to the next round. I simply can't see them choking when it really matters against the likes of Ghana, Algeria, or Slovakia (I don't want to pass judgement on Spain until after their second match).

Moreover, once those teams are in the knock-out stages it doesn't really matter anymore how poorly they played in their groups. Now, after Italy's capital stinker against the Kiwis, do I really believe this geriatric and unimaginative team can achieve anything this time around? Absolutely. I know it sounds strange but Italy and even England just need one game to click (see France v Spain in 2006) and we might see completely different teams for the rest of the tournament. Again: the World Cup is first and foremost about peaking at the right time.

Germany v Serbia (and the Man Who Shall Not Be Named)

First of all, while this is a tough one to swallow I think that Germany did in fact play rather well given the circumstances. A lot of pundits are going to call Germany overhyped now, pointing to a weak Australian team. For me, there are actually quite a few positive things to take away from this defeat as the team proved again that they can play very domineering and attacking football. However, the first thirty minutes or so Germany was only the slightly better team against a well-organized Serbian defense. Yet, somehow the game as a whole was shaped mainly by the Spanish referee who was handing out more cards than a porn producer at a beauty pageant.

Blaming the ref is, of course, the cheapest excuse one can think of but in this case he really made the game all about himself, confusing all players with his rigid, yet also inconsistent standards (apparently he sent off eleven players in the 17 matches he officiated in La Liga this season). As to Klose's sending-off: neither card should have been given to begin with. Ironically, the one yellow Klose "deserved"wasn't given after he netted in a shot way after play had been stopped. It's downright impossible not to attribute the whole course of the game to the decisions of the referee, and that's not how the game's supposed to be played. But enough of that now, Germany had enough chances to tie, or even win the game despite the referee.

Right after the ridiculous second yellow for Klose, Serbia exploited a brief German state of shock and scored. Surprisingly, however, this goal led to Germany's strongest phase that lasted from around the 40th minute until 15 minutes into the second half when Podolki missed the penalty kick (what were the odds of Serbia playing handball in the box again?). During this period Serbia were thoroughly outplayed by 10 men. Khedira was unlucky to only hit the crossbar before the break, and Özil, in particular, orchestrated the attack with some beautiful passes (his substitution instead of Podolski remains inexplicable to me unless he was somehow injured).

Yet, missing the penalty seemed to take an emotional toll on the German team as they must have felt that all their efforts were ultimately fruitless. In addition, playing with ten men began to slow down and tire the entire team as well, and Serbia's counterattacks became increasingly dangerous. For the last 20 minutes or so, Serbia was closer to scoring a goal than Germany.

One of the main problems with young players is inconsistency. Müller and particularly Badstuber were clearly not up to the task today. Löw may have to consider keeping the young fullback on the bench against Ghana. Podolski wasted plenty of good chances but he was also very active and shouldn't be singled out for blame. Lahm, for example, had a very poor game, too. By the way, I "knew"Podolski would miss the penalty kick as his shot seemed off the whole day - I even said "oh no, not Poldi" or something to that effect.

Well, in terms of the situation in Group D this is now a gorgeous clusterfuck. If Australia can't deliver a major upset against Ghana tomorrow, Germany wil have to beat Ghana on Wednesday. Clearly, this is not going to be an easy task, but it could be a proper baptism by fire for a potentially great team. If they choke against Ghana they have no business advancing to the next round in the first place. Yet, I am strangely optimistic as I saw more class and determination in 20 minutes played with ten men today than in the demolition of Australia.

Germany v Serbia: Some Very Incoherent Remarks

Just finished watching the NBA Finals Game 7 and it was a real stinker, yet also incredibly intense (kinda like most football games these days, minus the intensity, that is -- Good God, I'm beginning to sound like one of these American soccer haters). Kobe, whose place among the least likable athletes alive is safe and secure, shot 6-24 and still won the Finals MVP trophy. Which reminds me that Messi, who's very likable - if only in the same way that one likes a cute (and talented) pony - will get the FIFA equivalent even if he scores an own goal in the final against Spain, Greece, North Korea, Mexico, or Uruguay (well, some team other than France). In order to get there, however, Argentina will have to beat...uh, Germany (in the quarterfinals if both teams win their group and round of 16 games).

So, just how good are these Germans? Well, for once, their win stood out as much as it did mainly because so many first round games really, really sucked. Tomorrow (that's 6 hours from now, 4:30 in the morning) should give us a better idea of what the team's really made of because Serbia has some decent attacking players and scoring won't be as easy as against Australia. On the other hand, Serbia may, as my brother likes to call it, "go all Yugo on us," and collapse after an early German goal (followed by brutal fouls, red cards, conspiracy theories, death threats against the Pope and Merkel, and finally, resignation).

I can't help but think that a draw wouldn't be a bad result for Germany as the hype around the team has already reached ridiculous proportions and, in any case, teams need to peak at the right time (i.e., not before the semifinals). On the other hand, Löw has said that he wants to avoid a "final" against Ghana and is not going to content himself with a draw. Personally, I have a really, really bad feeling about the Serbia game and wouldn't be surprised if Germany lost (97.76% of my predictions have been wrong so far).

Another funny feeling I have is that the first knock-out round will see some incredible match-ups, for example, Brazil v Spain, and Germany v England. Rooney's already looking forward to it (why are there so few incest jokes about him? Surely, people are afraid of him?). The somewhat thin-skinned English reaction to Beckenbauer's "kick-and-rush" comments is in fact more telling of their own parochialism than anything else: nobody in their right mind takes the Kaiser's verbal diarrhea seriously anymore (the man couldn't analyze a football game if his life depended on it). This is indeed a nice segue to an early assessment of ESPN's World Cup coverage: overall pretty, pretty, pretty good. As to their pundits: Ruud Gullit is a class act, Steve McManaman's surprisingly annoying, and Jürgen Klinsmann in English (he says "awesome" a lot) is just as unbearable as Jürgen Klinsmann in Swabian.

God, I still love watching this game...

Now that Everyone has Played at Least Once...

It's fair to say that the actual football played at this year's World Cup has not yet lived to the (overly?) high expectations of fans all over the world. Is this a reason to worry or a things going to get better? Here are some possible explanations and predictions.

(1) Cowardice.
A lot of teams were very cautious in their initial approach as losing the first game is feared more than anything becuase it, for instance, increases the already intense pressure from the media, and, of course, also makes it very difficult to advance to the next round. Yet, all those teams that didn't win their first games will have to play somewhat more of an attacking style in their remaining games, and therefore there's reason to hope for more entertaining games in the near future.

(2) Mourinho's shadow.
The special one's defensive genius has been blamed for the World Cup's "rubbish" play. Other mangers are said to have copied his cynical system aimed at suffocating superior offensive-minded teams. I'm not sure about any causality here, but we've definitely some mighty fine defending at this World Cup (Uruguay, Ivory Coast, North Korea, Switzerland, to name just a few). But again, at one point teams will have to score in order for them to advance. Defense may win championship, but no offense doesn't win any games.

(3) Other factors.
The ball sucks. It takes off like a rocket and never seems to come down. Also, it bounces like a racquetball. Hence, very few goals from far out so far. (And, yes, Jamie, it's a conspiracy cooked up by the Germans.)
Not sure if the vuvuzelas are to be blamed for anything but they're also not helping. Maybe proper chants do in fact help remind players to attack?
The weather obviously reminds player not of the usual equation "summer time = fun time = World Cup time" but rather of the grim European leagues in late fall and winter that always seem to produce the worst football of the year.
While none of these things are likely to change there's still a good chance that teams will grow accustomed to them, meaning that the quality of play will consequentially have to improve, too. Right?

Verdict: Things can only, and will have to, get better. (Please let me be right...Please. Pretty please.)

Brazil v North Korea or The Clash of Two Collectives Part 2

• If Dunga wasn't in charge (having Brazil play like Greece), the Seleçao would be up by three goals already.
• 51' Dangerous free kick for Brazil: Bastos...just a bit outside...
• N. Korea not looking as sharp as in the first half.
• What a GOAL!!! MAICON!!!!! Incredible angle!!! Roberto Carlos style!!! Drilled it in from close to the byline, running full speed. It took something very special to score against the brave North Koreans. Fluke or not? Hard to say...
• All the excitement's out of the game now. Thanks a lot, Brazil.
• 72' Beautiful GOAL! Great pass by Robinho, cool finish by Elano, who's now substituted for Dani Alves.
• 89' Out of nowhere: GOAL for North Korea! Scored by no. 8. Thanks for that! Is there a major upset possible? No. It's all over.
• Finally an interesting game. Brazil looked in good shape and North Korea were great defensively.
• This group may be even deadlier now.

Brazil v North Korea or The Clash of Two Collectives Part 1

• One North Korean dude is crying like a baby during the national anthem.
• 15 minutes in and North Korea is playing really well. Some nice passing. Lots of gritty tackles.
• Dunga's coat is giving Maradonna's suit a run for its money in the unofficial fashion faux pas competition.
• Second really terrible pass from Kaka. He doesn't look anything like his old AC Milan self today.
• N. Korea's no. 9 is looking sharp.
• 40 minutes in and Brazil is finally putting on some pressure.
• Halftime. Brazil's having to work really hard for this. N. Korea is certainly anything but a pushover so far. Let's see if they can keep it up.

Portugal v Ivory Coast: Random Notes while Watching Half-asleep Part 2

• 51' More diving from Ronaldo.
• Ivory Coast's no 10, Gervinho, has to have one of the most unfortunate haircuts I have ever seen.
• 58' Nice cross from Deco. Harmless header from Liedson, though.
• 59' Good little run from Gervinho. Game's getting better.
• 60' Gervinho missed a big chance there. Poor header.
• 64' Drogba getting ready...and he's on. People in the stadium got a little excited there. Blew their horns really hard.
• 69' Drogba's looking a little rusty there.
• 73' "Nonsense free kick" the commentator says. Couldn't agree more. Why? CR7's BS.
• 80' Decent free kick by Ronaldo.
• 82' Why did Ivory Coast just sub their best player?
• 89' Teams seem to settle for a draw here. Lame.
• 91' Good chance for Drogba! They came pretty close there.
• 92' A lot of pressure from IC now. Too little, too late? Yes. Wow, what a disappointing game.

Portugal v Ivory Coast: Random Notes while Watching Half-asleep Part 1

• Truly terrible rendition of the Portuguese national anthem by their players. Don't blame the pretty boy for this one as he wisely kept his mouth shut. Also, the Portuguese bench is packed with talent.
• Nike's classy kit easily beats Puma's horrendous orange piece of shite. They look like German garbage men. 
• 7' Ronaldo's nice little piece of acting gets Zakora a booking
• 11' A real screamer by the obnoxious one from like 40 yards out. He's also a good football player.
• 20' Ronaldo gets booked for complaining. YES!!!!
• 25' We sure have a trigger-happy ref here. Three yellow cards already. Thought this would be another one for Meirelles, who looks like an American hipster. I don't like him. 
• 39' The game's looking very sloppy now. That is like most of the other matches at this hard-on-the-eyes World Cup so far.
• Well, Portugal sucked pretty much. One good shot isn't gonna cut it. Deco looks terrible. Ivory Coast was decent, well-organized defensively. Drogba, anyone?

Cry Me a Rivers

The U.S. may not be a truly elite team (yet) and they are definitely in need of all the support they can get, but they still deserve better than this.

It pains me to think that the same person responsible for Pinkerton (only one of the ten best albums of the '90s) is somehow also behind this trite garbage. Given Weezer's last four albums or so (a decade of suckitude, really) this shouldn't be all that surprising, of course, but still... Rivers, come on, man...seriously. (And yes, football songs are not subject to the same quality standards as "proper" songs on an album, but this is not even good in the chorus department, which is the most important part of football songs!)